Why am I sick?

I have recently invested in many holistic methods of healing myself. I, of course, am still enjoying my weekly Qigong class and I practice here at my house. I have bought several new books on self-healing, CDs with healing music, sounds, meditations, and mantras. Each day I take the medication my pulmonary doctor has prescribed for me and I use the supplemental oxygen while sleeping and anytime I have to walk a long distance. Except for the western medications and supplemental oxygen, I use all these tools to heal myself. I can only use the western techniques to control, since western medicine insists I cannot be cured. To doctors, I am on a downward spiral during which my illness will only continue to get worse. So they say. I say different.

But that is not the point for today. Today the point, or rather the question, is: why am I sick? Again, western medicine points to the environmental factor of my many years of cigarette smoking, but it also now admits there is a genetic component to emphysema, COPD, whatever they choose to call it.

However, if the disease was caused by cigarette smoking, it should have improved when I quit and steadily gotten better as long as I did not smoke again. And I haven't. Yes, all physical conditions may progress with age. But I am not so old that I should have progressed to the point where I need supplemental oxygen. Perhaps it is genetic, but I do not believe I possess an emphysemic gene. The gene I possess is one of depression, anxiety, fear, putting on a brave face, hiding my feelings. That, I believe, is my gene and that, I believe, is why I am sick.

What does depression do to the body? How does one feel? How does one look? One feels tired, incredibly tired - hardly able to draw in a breath. One looks tired. Shoulders are slumped, head is held down. Not much air can enter the body in this position, nor leave it, for that matter.

What do anxiety and fear do to the body? How does one feel and look? One feels constantly on edge, alert, edgy, on guard - afraid. How does that look? Shoulders hunched up, fists clenched ready to do battle, eyes blinking, breaths coming in shallow and quick, muscles tensed. A recipe for healthy lungs? I don't think so.

"Body" doctors look at the body. Psychiatrists look at the mind. Both see a disease, one physical, one mental. But which came first - the chicken or the egg? In the case of current humans, it was the egg that developed and grew into some kind of person. Persons in various degrees of health and well being, mental and physical.

I believe my body is responding to the abuse of my mind. My mind has told "me" that, for some reason, I don't deserve to breathe. But I now believe that I do. I just have to convince my body of that. And to that end, I will use the holistic and western treatments combined. But I must work on my very self, my very, very self. The Original Me. Whoever she is, wherever she came from. I believe I can heal her, because I believe she is already healed. I just have to find her.

If I am really "on to something" here, then I will share my findings with any and all who will listen. The Mind/Body connection is not a new idea. Even the Soul/Mind/Body connection is not new. I think there may be nothing new at all. Everything has already been learned, experienced, and forgotten. I suppose all I am really trying to do is remember that it is my birthright to breathe, my birthright to be healthy, my birthright to live a long, fulfilling life. It's everyone's birthright. I think the We of Us just continually continues to punish. For my part, I quit. No more punishing myself - mentally, emotionally, spiritually. That is my Intent. When I am truly able to do that, the physical punishment will end as well.

Breakthrough

Yesterday I did indeed have a breakthrough. In the morning I attended my Qigong class. It was wonderful. I could feel myself opening up, receiving energy and air into all parts of my body. My lungs felt clean and clear, my shoulders and neck were not tight. I felt as if I were healing at warp speed.

My Qigong facilitator is amazing. She has studied in China and is working on her Master's degree in Medical Qigong. I believe she is also a gifted healer. She removed some black energy from my upper back region before we started class. I know this contributed to my sense of well being, and the feeling has lasted.

In the afternoon I got gas for my car and went to the grocery. I used my portable oxygen and it did not bother me one bit. I held my head high and literally raced around the store. I smiled and nodded at people, spoke with the cashier - and she with me - as if I was not attached to an oxygen tank. It was possibly the best trip I've had to a grocery store ever.

The evening continued peacefully watching television with my dog, and sampling the marvelous delicacies I had bought at the store. For dinner I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich on toast. Delicious.

The feeling stays with me this morning. I believe I have, at last, begun the uphill climb toward health and well being. That's not to say I won't have any more depression or not-so-fabulous days, but if I don't, I won't be surprised. I feel so much better about my health, my life, my purpose. There have been times during which I felt my only purpose in life was to offer other people the opportunity to be kind and compassionate. That sounds as if I nominated myself for Secret Sainthood, but that's not the case. It was the only way I could explain to myself why my life seemed so hard and why I could not accomplish great things - things that would uplift mankind. Delusions of grandeur? No, just a genuine desire to help. And I do believe there are people who come into this lifetime in difficult circumstances exactly for the purpose I stated above. But these are true Secret Saints and I will no longer attempt to align my situation in life with theirs. I am a different kind of Secret with a different kind of purpose. I will think more on that and write an explanation as it comes to me.

It's certainly possible that there is no purpose for any of us. But I believe there is, and what each one of us believes about ourselves is really all that matters. I believe I can heal myself and I hope to help heal others by example. For now, it is a beautiful summer day. I have the anticipation of visiting with my daughter and granddaughter today. And I feel wonderful.

Enhancing my education

I choked this evening. After swallowing a medication I take that I refer to as a horse pill, I realized that It hadn't gone down and was lodged in my throat, just beyond the swallowing place (another technical term). I immediately took more swallows of water, but they didn't go anywhere and simply rolled out of my mouth. Then came the moment when I attempted to take a breath. The air stopped at the back of my throat as if it had slammed into a wall. I knew I was choking and could die, but didn't panic. I first thought of trying the Heimlich maneuver on myself by throwing myself over the back of one of my kitchen table chairs. Somehow I knew that wouldn't work and I also knew I didn't have much time. I decided I must get to my next door neighbor's - fast. I stopped at the keypad to turn off my alarm; when the door opens and it's on, the racket is horrendous. Yes, I thought of all these things at the same time I could have been dying. As I raised my hand to the keypad, I breathed in air. It was over and I was OK.

How long did the entire episode last? Less than 20 seconds, I'm sure. And it didn't seem any different to me. Time didn't stand still, nor did it move in slow motion. Possibly for the first time in my life, I was in serious, immediate danger. And I didn't panic. I thought quite clearly and acted on my thoughts. That may seem peculiar for a person with panic disorder, but it's not the first time that's happened. In other frightening situations, not involving myself, I have acted in a calm, controlled manner and, on one occasion in particular, very much saved the day when my toddler daughter and nephew were caught on a runaway horse. But that's a story for another day - perhaps.

Was there a lesson to be learned here? Of course. It's the same lesson I've been trying to teach myself since I began this blog - Everyday Is Today. Every day matters so much. Every day is for living, learning, laughing - doing anything except worrying about tomorrow. Yes, I want to heal my lungs and I believe I can. That is, more or less, my mission at this point in my life. But when, where, and how I will leave this body is something I do not know and cannot know. At least, we aren't supposed to know and that's just one of the many reasons I'm opposed to capital punishment.

But back to my worries, my fears, my efforts to live every day as fully and as happily as I can. I really have been doing that. The choking episode this evening simply reinforces. I must not be afraid. I must not be downhearted. That serves no one - especially me.

I want to start writing again. I want to write children's books. Perhaps I can incorporate, in an age-appropriate-way, the things I have learned in my studies of Reality, Other Religions Besides Christianity, Christianity, and Many More Exciting And Important Things. I actually like that as a title - Exciting And Important Things. And there's always that classic, The Joy Of Not Choking.

Busy, busy - with tears

I haven't blogged, or even been on my computer, for a while now. As the title reads, I've been busy. Last Thursday was a jam-packed day. I went swimming in the morning and, for the first time in a few years, actually swam. I did the breast stroke, side stroke, and back stroke. I floated and got my hair completely wet. A major incentive for this dive (pardon the pun) into swimming activity was the appointment I had in the afternoon with my hairdresser. My hair is naturally curly and looks especially hideous after I've dunked it in pool water.

At any rate, I had a blast! Then on to the hairdresser who made me presentable once again, then an impulsive trip to the grocery. I needed to go to the grocery, but was hesitant to do so much in one day. The temperature was high and I have to use my supplemental oxygen now when I shop or walk a more-than-normal-distance. I even wore it while walking up the stairs to get to my hairdresser's salon. I always get out of breath doing that so I knew I needed the oxygen.

Was I still embarrassed? Oh yes. Actually, I got rather nervous in the grocery. I shopped hurriedly, wanting to get out quickly. I could feel my shoulders hunching up, head going down, at times feeling somewhat faint. These are anxiety symptoms. I know them all - too well. But I did it.

The next day I was invited to go to an art class with my daughter and granddaughter, but the art place wasn't open so we went shopping instead at my favorite craft store. I had brought my portable oxygen with me, just in case, and it turned out I needed it as we were going to be walking around in the store. Some children there stared at me, running around corners, then sneaking back to catch another glimpse. Perhaps they thought I was a mermaid who needed oxygen while out of the water. Or perhaps they had simply never seen anyone out in public before with a cannula strapped to her face.

I made a big mistake after that shopping adventure, partly because of the little girls' reaction. My daughter went to a nearby grocery to get items for us to make lunch back at my house and my granddaughter and I opted to stay in the air conditioned car. Come to think of it, I made two mistakes. There in the car alone with my granddaughter, I asked her: "Does this bother you?" - speaking of the cannula, etc. That was my first mistake. I should have not have asked. I should have waited until, or if, she asked about it. My second mistake was to ask her if she wanted me to take it off. Her answers were: "Yes," and "It's yucky." That made tears stream down my face. (Did I mention I was nervous that day, too? Walking around with that darn thing just does make me nervous!) OK, make that three mistakes as I did take out the cannula and turn off the tank.

I should have handled that part, at least, more confidently. When she said, "It's yucky," instead of crying and removing the offense I could have said, "No, it's not. Sometimes people need different kinds of medicine to help different kinds of illnesses. This contraption puts more oxygen in my system and makes me healthier." Brilliant, eh? Too bad it didn't happen.

Because of my anxiety problems, I've been in and out of therapy for decades. I have learned that one should never use the word, "should." Now there's some irony. But "should" is a valid word with a valid meaning and I believe in the preceding I have used it as I should. And once again. To have used the word "could" may have been more psychologically appropriate and maybe even more accurate. I don't know. All I do know is that as I'm writing this, I know I should have handled the situation with my granddaughter in a more positive manner. When the situation comes up again, and I'm sure it will, hopefully I will be more confident with my oxygen enhancement and be more confident in speaking about it with my granddaughter.

Feeling a little glum today...

And so what?

Well, You, it does matter. I believe that depression got You into this mess in the first place - the mess of having to have supplemental oxygen, that is. When You lost Your job in November of 2009, You spent a lot of time just sitting in a, more of less, frozen position on the couch. That is, when You weren't sleeping. In other words, You weren't getting up and walking around very much. Not nearly as much as when You were working.

I hate working.

That's OK. But at least now You are up and around, trying to move as much as possible and that does matter. See?

Yes, and I should be tired by now of talking to myself and referencing myself as "You." But that's OK, too. I just didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning and maybe I didn't feel like talking myself out of it, which is what I just did. So I'm glad I got up and blogged first thing. I do actually feel a little better now. Yesterday was a long day. Qigong class in the morning, which ran long, then playing with my granddaughter all afternoon. I loved that, of course, and Qigong class, too. I'm just not used to doing so much in one day. Something I will work on. Perhaps scheduling two activities for each day. Going to the pool, then maybe a drive somewhere. Or a small shopping trip, then a walk. Who knows? Each day is different and each day is still a little depressing and scary. I do NOT want to have to have that walking-around-oxygen-tank. I hate it. I was brave when I went to the grocery, but I really, really hate it.

Well, there's talking to Myself in here, depression, and ending with rage. Good deal. On with another day... And P.S., I'm lonely. Boo hoo. Ah, Grasshopper, don't make light of Your loneliness. It's part of Your overall problem.

I am my own cheerleader

This started out as a pity party. Because I live alone, it would be nice to have someone cheer me on. Someone to say they were proud of me for going to the grocery and the pool. Probably someone has (after the fact) and in my pity mode of today I've just forgotten. But I do realize that I always have been and always will be the best cheerleader - or heckler - I can have. That's just the way it is. I would seriously like to stop heckling myself, downgrading, degrading, etc. and I believe I am more successful at this as the years go by. My "inner critic" is not nearly so loud as she used to be. Glad to report, however, that my inner child is still capable of great play!

I've been to the pool twice this week, having a good time and staying about two and a half hours each time. Yesterday, before I went to the pool, my heart was pounding which could mean my oxygen is low. I took a reading (something I'm not supposed to do, but I did). Anyway, the oximeter was beeping which means either oxygen is too low or heart rate is too high or both. Yesterday it was both, but my oxygen level began to rise even though my heart rate finally "cooled down" to around 110. It started at above 120. Since my oxygen was OK I said what the heck - I'm going to the pool! And I did. And I had fun. And the amazing thing was, when I did get to the pool I never noticed that my heart was pounding or racing. I didn't even think about it.

It is still difficult for me to know when my "symptoms" are illness related or just nerves. I think yesterday it was a little of both, but obviously mostly nerves as I had a great time.

Back to the original pity fest, I suppose I was wondering if I will always have to be my own cheerleader to get myself going. Well, why not? I'm the best one who knows what's going on inside me. And I am the only one, really, who can make myself healthier, continue to exercise, go out, and do things. Even when it seems embarrassing or hard or scary.

So rah, rah, rah for me!!!!! Two, four, six, eight. Who do I appreciate? Me! Me! Me!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did it!

I'm three days late in writing about it, but I did go to the grocery store with my oxygen-tank-in-a-bag. When I wrote my last blog, I was misreading the clock. When I wrote it was quarter to five, it was really only quarter to four. After I finished writing, I combed by hair, checked my oxygen tank and took off. It was 4:30 p.m.

I didn't drive with the tank on because I don't have to. It's for walking long distances or for a long time. That's when my oxygen gets low. Back to the subject. I found a parking spot relatively close, then I put the cannula in, slung the strap of the - yes, it's still heavy! - bag over my shoulder and took off. It's a large, popular grocery store. But I walked through the parking lot looking straight ahead and when I got inside, I got a cart and put the bag in the basket. Phew! A relief not to have to carry it. I pushed the cart around and did my shopping leisurely. I found that I was indeed in better shape with the extra oxygen than without. Apparently, my oxygen level has been low for quite a while.

At first, I avoided eye contact with other people. Then I said to myself, what the heck? So I proceeded to shop as if I were normal - i.e., that I wasn't attached to a tube that dispensed oxygen. That was great except for the fact that the tube is rather short and the bag was in the cart basket. I would park my cart in order to peruse items in an aisle only to be pulled up short by the tube like a dog on a leash. Now that was embarrassing!

Of course the bag boy offered to take my groceries to my car - they always do - and I always refuse. I did on Sunday, too. I had no trouble pushing the cart back to my car and putting the groceries in the trunk. I did, however, have trouble bringing the groceries into my kitchen. It was hot and by the time I got them all in, I was quite breathless. And still using the oxygen. But I settled down quickly and felt time. My recovery time is short and I know that is in my favor. Still, I intend to go shopping more often and buy less at any given time. That way it won't be so hard on me. Meanwhile, I continue to work towards increasing my oxygen level without supplemental help.

Did people stare at me in the store? Probably. I caught a few glimpses out of the corner of my eye, but would not say in a court of law that they were looking at me. In short, it was OK. Sometimes you've just got to do what you've got to do. And I did.

My brother called me yesterday. He didn't know I was "on the tank," so to speak, so I told him that and also relayed my grocery store adventure. He didn't like that I struggled to get the groceries in the house and told me to let him know anytime I need help with anything. He said he would meet me at my house and take the groceries in for me and I better let him know when I went shopping! This is from a man who just underwent heart valve replacement surgery. What a guy. He doesn't talk much, but he loves me and since we were children, he has always been my Big Brother Protector. I love him very much.

Well, that's the denouement of my embarrassment story. I did OK, but I'm still determined to not have to rely on those tanks for air. It is my intention to increase my oxygen level on my own.

Got to run. It's morning and I have things I do in the morning. Lots and lots of things!