Learning the answers to my questions

Once again I have to say I haven't blogged in a while. And, gratefully, once again I can say I have been busy. Busy swimming. I go to the pool now three times a week. Each time I stay for two and a half hours. Lately, no one else has been in the pool and I am free to invent and execute various water exercises. I run in the water, trot, "frog swim," - it looks just like it sounds - do breathing exercises, meditate, and express great gratitude for the sun, the water, the breeze, the summer. I do love it so.

Is it helping my recovery? Oh yes! I do have days during the week when I am simply too tired to go to the pool. That is, most likely, due to my extreme exercising. That doesn't matter. I can feel that my lungs, my entire body are stronger. My appetite has changed. Not only am I hungrier, I am hungrier for better foods. Fruits, mostly. I am very much enjoying the summer fruits. Fresh strawberries, peaches, bananas (a regular staple, but still they seem more alive in summer). I am enjoying my life.

I continue to study and learn many things that are helping me to understand the nature of sickness and mine in particular. I am continuing to restudy A Course In Miracles, but I am also studying Buddhism, learning and saying mantras while, also, learning about healing sounds and healing music. I have also recently reread parts of a book I have had for a long time on auras. One section concerns cleansing ones' aura and there are sections on beginning with clearing out the clutter in your environment and cleaning it as well. Both things that have not recently received much attention from me.

My daughter came over on Thursday with the intention of assisting me in cleaning out all of my closets and taking clothing to a Good Will store. I deeply appreciate her interest and her help. Something she may not know. But when dealing with someone like me who is loathe to change, has hoarding tendencies, OCD, rampant superstitions which may or may not have a medical term, and panic disorder, telling me to clean out a closet on a specific day with only one day's notice is most likely not going to work. It didn't. But she did remove some heavy, unwanted items that were piled in a corner. I am glad to be free of them and I am very grateful for her help. And with that seemingly small start, she inspired me to begin the process of clearing out the clutter on my own. Now, of course, I would very much like her help. If she were here today, we would go through the closets in no time and I could toss things out faster than I can on my own. But she chose last Thursday as her daughter was visiting her other grandparents, leaving her free, and I understand I missed my opportunity. I just wanted to go swimming the day she was here. I just wanted to visit with her in a fun, playful way. We did and she also went to the grocery with me. I confessed to her that I am still embarrassed to go to the grocery with the oxygen tank. It was very nice having her there. It gave me the confidence to move with lightening speed and finish the "ordeal" in record time. I still hate the tank and the tubes that attach me to it. But c'est la vie. I hope I spelled that correctly.

I did clear out one box full of clothing this morning and I also attacked a job that I thought would require professional help. Mold collects around the fan vent in the half bathroom downstairs. It happens when it rains. I have been told that the rain is coming in through the dryer vent on the patio and can only enter when the wind is blowing a certain way. That makes sense as the mold isn't always there, once I have cleaned it off. This time, though, it has been growing there since the onset of my oxygen journey and I have feared getting too close to it. Today I just did it. I made a "hazmat" suit for myself by wrapping a dishtowel around my face, putting on an old long sleeved shirt, and using plastic grocery bags for full length gloves. I cleaned off the mold using soap and Lysol spray. I did a pretty good job, but I would like to have a professional come and fix the problem permanently and paint the ceiling with Kilz paint or replace drywall if necessary. I can do that when I have more money, which I hope will be soon. Meanwhile, I don't believe the mold has harmed me or will harm me after getting so close to it today. It's just gone. Out of sight, out of mind. I do not understand how I can feel that way about something I am truly and reasonably leery of, yet I cannot let go of clothing I can no longer wear. Part of my mental wire crossing I suppose.

I just glanced at the title for today and realize how far off track I seem to be. The question I had in mind was my last blog title, Why am I sick? I will answer that as succinctly as possible according to what I have learned so far. (Can I ever be succinct? Anything is possible...) My body is sick because my mind has held onto Fear, Shame, Feelings Of Unworthiness, Guilt, and Anger. My body remembers and has stored specific thoughts, feelings, and incidents that I have long forgotten. My mind remembers the basics and it is my mind that has tried through so many years of therapy to attend to those basics and banish them. I have been somewhat successful in this. But my study of A Course In Miracles and the little I know so far of Buddhism are teaching me the Power of Forgiveness, Love, and Compassion. I believe if I talk to my body, in particular the cells that comprise my lungs and the surrounding muscles, including the muscles of my neck and shoulders, and ask them to Forgive Me, Love Me and have Compassion for Me, I can indeed heal.

When I have thought of those things before, it has always been in relation to others. I can forgive others. I can certainly love others. I have always had compassion for others. But all along I have hated myself. I feel guilt over many things which means I do not forgive myself and I have no compassion for myself because I have thought I am unworthy. I may have learned these things from the "outside," but I have nurtured them on the "inside." I have fed them continuously for decades. I think if I put the Inside Me on a new diet, I can shed those unwanted pounds much faster than I put them on. Yes, they are pounds. They weigh me down and are so heavy they have impeded my breathing.

We are taught - at least, I was - that to love yourself is conceited, selfish. I was taught to always think of others, not myself. Never myself. I have tried so hard to be "good." I never realized I already was "good" and could never be anything else. As I type this I know I still have doubts. The old learning is deep. The new learning will take time, but at least I am still learning. I am still growing. I am still achieving. My healing is not just for my body. It is for my Mind and my Soul. I have never thought that before, but I'm glad I'm thinking it now.