Why am I sick?

I have recently invested in many holistic methods of healing myself. I, of course, am still enjoying my weekly Qigong class and I practice here at my house. I have bought several new books on self-healing, CDs with healing music, sounds, meditations, and mantras. Each day I take the medication my pulmonary doctor has prescribed for me and I use the supplemental oxygen while sleeping and anytime I have to walk a long distance. Except for the western medications and supplemental oxygen, I use all these tools to heal myself. I can only use the western techniques to control, since western medicine insists I cannot be cured. To doctors, I am on a downward spiral during which my illness will only continue to get worse. So they say. I say different.

But that is not the point for today. Today the point, or rather the question, is: why am I sick? Again, western medicine points to the environmental factor of my many years of cigarette smoking, but it also now admits there is a genetic component to emphysema, COPD, whatever they choose to call it.

However, if the disease was caused by cigarette smoking, it should have improved when I quit and steadily gotten better as long as I did not smoke again. And I haven't. Yes, all physical conditions may progress with age. But I am not so old that I should have progressed to the point where I need supplemental oxygen. Perhaps it is genetic, but I do not believe I possess an emphysemic gene. The gene I possess is one of depression, anxiety, fear, putting on a brave face, hiding my feelings. That, I believe, is my gene and that, I believe, is why I am sick.

What does depression do to the body? How does one feel? How does one look? One feels tired, incredibly tired - hardly able to draw in a breath. One looks tired. Shoulders are slumped, head is held down. Not much air can enter the body in this position, nor leave it, for that matter.

What do anxiety and fear do to the body? How does one feel and look? One feels constantly on edge, alert, edgy, on guard - afraid. How does that look? Shoulders hunched up, fists clenched ready to do battle, eyes blinking, breaths coming in shallow and quick, muscles tensed. A recipe for healthy lungs? I don't think so.

"Body" doctors look at the body. Psychiatrists look at the mind. Both see a disease, one physical, one mental. But which came first - the chicken or the egg? In the case of current humans, it was the egg that developed and grew into some kind of person. Persons in various degrees of health and well being, mental and physical.

I believe my body is responding to the abuse of my mind. My mind has told "me" that, for some reason, I don't deserve to breathe. But I now believe that I do. I just have to convince my body of that. And to that end, I will use the holistic and western treatments combined. But I must work on my very self, my very, very self. The Original Me. Whoever she is, wherever she came from. I believe I can heal her, because I believe she is already healed. I just have to find her.

If I am really "on to something" here, then I will share my findings with any and all who will listen. The Mind/Body connection is not a new idea. Even the Soul/Mind/Body connection is not new. I think there may be nothing new at all. Everything has already been learned, experienced, and forgotten. I suppose all I am really trying to do is remember that it is my birthright to breathe, my birthright to be healthy, my birthright to live a long, fulfilling life. It's everyone's birthright. I think the We of Us just continually continues to punish. For my part, I quit. No more punishing myself - mentally, emotionally, spiritually. That is my Intent. When I am truly able to do that, the physical punishment will end as well.