Figuring myself out

I have been doing a lot lately to heal myself. I have bought CDs of healing music, a DVD of a Qigong Master, rereading A Course In Miracles. I do Dr. Weil's breathing exercises everyday. I walk every day - I am up to three minutes. Doesn't sound like much, but I keep reminding myself that "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Lots and lots of work. I realize it would have been prudent to do it sooner, to never have smoked, blah, blah, but I came to a bigger realization yesterday. It is a very simple thing yet when I "discovered" it, it made perfect sense. It has to do with energy. Mine, specifically. I have low energy. I put out low energy. I am low energy. So low as to attempt invisibility in many areas of my life, particularly in childhood. And yet I am not, and never have been, invisible. I am quite visible to myself at night when I have that cannula in my nose. Still, I believe my visibility has been pale. I believe I have lived, up until now, a pale life. Just barely there. Sometimes skirting the edges of the world with enough force to make an impact, but mostly, just there. Barely.

Recourse: change the energy. Intensify it. Walk with shoulders back. Speak not loudly, but with strength. Believe I am here because I am here.

It is all on the inside. It simply manifests on the outside. In shyness, in anxiety, in depression, in illness. I can change it. At this moment in time, I'm not exactly sure how I can change it, but I know I can. When I figure that part out, I will write about it. For now, I am concentrating on my energy. My inside energy. My life force. The part of my soul that is inhabiting this body - for I feel souls are huge and are involved in more than one activity at a time. This would not diminish the work it can do in this body, with my help. It simply is there, quietly watching. Perhaps waiting or wanting to help. I don't know. But I want to. I want to know as much as I possibly can while in this lifetime. I want to discover things about the nature of who I really am and what this human life is really all about. A Course In Miracles teaches some of that but, as it even says, it is only "A" course, not "The" course. So there must be many, many others of many different kinds. Which course, besides the one I've chosen to "take" on Miracles, am I enrolled in with this energy study? Something big, I am thinking. Something really big.

I don't know where to start. Back to the journey of a thousand miles. This is my first, single step.