Busy, busy - with tears

I haven't blogged, or even been on my computer, for a while now. As the title reads, I've been busy. Last Thursday was a jam-packed day. I went swimming in the morning and, for the first time in a few years, actually swam. I did the breast stroke, side stroke, and back stroke. I floated and got my hair completely wet. A major incentive for this dive (pardon the pun) into swimming activity was the appointment I had in the afternoon with my hairdresser. My hair is naturally curly and looks especially hideous after I've dunked it in pool water.

At any rate, I had a blast! Then on to the hairdresser who made me presentable once again, then an impulsive trip to the grocery. I needed to go to the grocery, but was hesitant to do so much in one day. The temperature was high and I have to use my supplemental oxygen now when I shop or walk a more-than-normal-distance. I even wore it while walking up the stairs to get to my hairdresser's salon. I always get out of breath doing that so I knew I needed the oxygen.

Was I still embarrassed? Oh yes. Actually, I got rather nervous in the grocery. I shopped hurriedly, wanting to get out quickly. I could feel my shoulders hunching up, head going down, at times feeling somewhat faint. These are anxiety symptoms. I know them all - too well. But I did it.

The next day I was invited to go to an art class with my daughter and granddaughter, but the art place wasn't open so we went shopping instead at my favorite craft store. I had brought my portable oxygen with me, just in case, and it turned out I needed it as we were going to be walking around in the store. Some children there stared at me, running around corners, then sneaking back to catch another glimpse. Perhaps they thought I was a mermaid who needed oxygen while out of the water. Or perhaps they had simply never seen anyone out in public before with a cannula strapped to her face.

I made a big mistake after that shopping adventure, partly because of the little girls' reaction. My daughter went to a nearby grocery to get items for us to make lunch back at my house and my granddaughter and I opted to stay in the air conditioned car. Come to think of it, I made two mistakes. There in the car alone with my granddaughter, I asked her: "Does this bother you?" - speaking of the cannula, etc. That was my first mistake. I should have not have asked. I should have waited until, or if, she asked about it. My second mistake was to ask her if she wanted me to take it off. Her answers were: "Yes," and "It's yucky." That made tears stream down my face. (Did I mention I was nervous that day, too? Walking around with that darn thing just does make me nervous!) OK, make that three mistakes as I did take out the cannula and turn off the tank.

I should have handled that part, at least, more confidently. When she said, "It's yucky," instead of crying and removing the offense I could have said, "No, it's not. Sometimes people need different kinds of medicine to help different kinds of illnesses. This contraption puts more oxygen in my system and makes me healthier." Brilliant, eh? Too bad it didn't happen.

Because of my anxiety problems, I've been in and out of therapy for decades. I have learned that one should never use the word, "should." Now there's some irony. But "should" is a valid word with a valid meaning and I believe in the preceding I have used it as I should. And once again. To have used the word "could" may have been more psychologically appropriate and maybe even more accurate. I don't know. All I do know is that as I'm writing this, I know I should have handled the situation with my granddaughter in a more positive manner. When the situation comes up again, and I'm sure it will, hopefully I will be more confident with my oxygen enhancement and be more confident in speaking about it with my granddaughter.