A day turned around

I thought I was having a bad day today. I was tired. That used to be OK, but now it makes me nervous because I think it means a lack of oxygen. I walked to the mailbox anyway, but was still feeling sorry for myself until I read an email from on old friend. He congratulated me on the exercising I'm doing and that I'm raising my O2 level. And I am. I just forgot that today, I suppose. It's that instant gratification thing. I want to feel fabulous all the time. I don't know why - I never have and I doubt that anyone feels great all the time. I just wanted to enjoy this summer. I love to swim and had even thought I might make a trip to the beach. And who knows? I might. I do know, however, I will swim and swim and swim and if I get tired, so what!

Lost in another world

I have not blogged in a while. I joined an online support group for people with COPD and I am still learning to navigate the website and have lots of "letters" to answer. They are very nice people and very supportive. They are all ill with COPD in varying degrees. Some work - one is a concert pianist. Wonder how he manages that. He has a diary that I just haven't had the time to read. I've been busy trying to heal myself. That's the only thing about the group... They talk about how to live with the disease. I need to learn that, of course, but I am really working to heal myself and be free of it. At least I desire to have a few more years of not having to have oxygen all the time. At night is not so bad, but it can be a bit of a hassle if I have to get out of bed once I'm there. I had to several times last night as Asia, my dog, just wouldn't settle down. I managed though.

I had an excellent Qigong class on Friday. It was just Sarah and me. No one else showed up. I like it like that. Well, I would, wouldn't I?

Yesterday I ran around taking my oxygen level all day. I slept late and when I do that I don't feel well the next day. However, the night before I simply could not go to sleep. It was at least 3 o'clock, or maybe 4, before I could sleep. I had a terrible headache, but didn't want to get up and take aspirin. However, when I finally did I was able to sleep. I won't make that mistake again.

I haven't talked to anyone since leaving Qigong class on Friday. Not that unusual, and doesn't really bother me. But sometimes I wish someone would call to check on me. No one does and even though I do have a follower, I don't she has time to read this so I'm just talking to myself. Which is OK.

I had a good day today. Hot outside and was tempted to go to the pool, but feared the water would still be too cold. This week the water should begin to warm up and I may even give it a try tomorrow. That's what I've been looking forward to for so long! And I know the exercise will be good for me. And the sun!!! Lovely Sun!

Well, got to go. There are two horror movies I intend to watch tonight while eating chocolate ice cream. Sounds like fun to me. Is that sad??? Maybe...

Cloudy Sunday

That must be an oxymoron - cloudy sun-day. Still, this is Sunday and it's cloudy and rather dreary. Unfortunately, that matches my mood. I am feeling tired today and worried about my health. I'm not keeping to the "live in the now" philosophy I have attempted to adopt. I am looking to the future, not believing I can really heal myself. Worried that other things are wrong with me. Why am I doing that? Don't I have enough problems?

Well, writing that seemed to help. At this very moment in time, I don't have any problems at all. I am not being bothered by illness, finances, sadness or worry for another, loneliness. Sitting here, writing in my little blog, I'm perfectly safe, sound, whole, and well. Worrying doesn't solve problems. Action does.

Words on a page battling with other thoughts in my head, that aches slightly, by the way, due to the impending rain. I have had good days of late. Especially Friday when my niece accompanied me to Qigong class. Afterwards, we met my nephew, his lady, and their baby, for lunch. My niece came back to my house with me and we sat and talked for quite a while. I greatly enjoyed her company.

Yesterday, I worked on healing myself with music and sound, watched a good movie about the poet, Keats, and would classify it as a good day. Yet this morning I am worried about my health. The word "patience" has come to me. That is how I intend to spend today. With patience and faith.

Today, today, today...

Sorry to say, to myself, that it wasn't a great day as far as how I felt. I have been breathless most all day whenever I have done anything. Doesn't mean I was idle - I exercised, did my Qigong and breathing exercises, climbed stairs to get to my hairdressers, walked my dog, walked to the mailbox, went grocery shopping.

Well. After typing all that, I am wondering if that's why I haven't felt well. I did a lot today. While I was at my house in the morning I felt OK doing exercises, walking the dog. It was in the afternoon, starting with the trip to the mailbox when I started to feel out of breath. I took my little oximeter reading too many times. Once it was 88. Didn't like that. But once it was 96. Go figure.

I wish I had some kind of guide as to what I should and maybe shouldn't be doing. My doctor, when she put me on the oxygen, said, "Go swimming!" when I bemoaned the fact that I couldn't swim while hauling around an oxygen tank and that I loved going to the pool. I supposed I based my new routine on her saying that. I guess I figure if I am able to swim, then I am able to do less strenuous exercises. Still, I am so aware now of when I am out of breath. I used to always attribute it to stress - hyperventilation. Something I've done a billion times in my life. This feels the same so it's hard for me to know if I'm anxious or running low on oxygen. I do have my oximeter. But if I had had it when I was really having horrific panic attacks, I wonder if it would have read that I was low on oxygen. Doctors used to tell me not to be afraid of the panic attacks because the worst thing that would happen to me was I would faint. Then my breathing would return to normal - in that unconscious state. That was a fabulous thing to tell me. Subsequently, I developed a fear of fainting in public that I still have today.

But that stuff is about my panic disorder and this blog concerns my journey to heal my lungs. I believe the two are connected, but I won't write about it today. Today I will say that even though I feel I had a "bad" day, it really wasn't. I accomplished a lot, didn't faint or have a heart attack. Today I was better that I thought I was. I will take that to bed with me and concentrate on healing.

I will believe what I desire to believe

Today I was researching the internet for ways in which other people have healed themselves of emphysema. I haven't done a complete research, but what I have found so far is not encouraging. Most everything says, the condition cannot be healed. I simply don't believe this. I think it can be reversed and that damaged lungs can be restored to good health.

I ran today. Just for a little - probably 45 seconds or less - but I ran. I have done it once before, since I started this journey. That time I ran for 60 seconds and it was a strong run, not a sort of jog as I did today. I have not felt 100% today or yesterday due to minor sinus problems brought on by a sudden cold snap and more rain. (I admit the prospects of more rain are a bit scary, but I simply must not be afraid of rain or pretty much anything else anymore. Fear has run most of my life. Again, that's another blog entry...) The temperature has risen from a dismal 66 this morning when I got up to around 80. I have gone today from sitting wrapped in an afghan to turning on the air conditioner after my 30 second jog. That's the kind of Spring it is and that's OK.

This will be a short entry. I really don't have much to say. During my "afghan period" today, I fell asleep sitting up on the couch with the tv on. I slept for at least an hour and a half. It was right around noon. When I woke up, I took my oxygen level and it was 89. That bothered me and I was not able to breathe it up. But look at me now in the evening. I ran! My level was up to a steady 94 and at times, after I was startled by the 89, I worked to "breathe it up" and got to a 98 at one point. I can do this - restore my health. I know I can. I'm still going to look for evidence from others that they have reversed their "disease." I am determined to do the same. I have read of one lady who went from full time supplemental oxygen to none at all and being able to walk on a treadmill for 45 minutes with no problem. I have not been able to find that article again, but that is what started my journey to heal and I say "God Bless You," to whoever she is.

My beautiful white tiger

I simply used another picture and it worked fine. Actually, all pictures seem a little large, but I have just now decided that's OK!

Very interesting...

It is still Sunday, Mother's Day, and I am indeed having dinner this evening with my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter. After learning what time they were coming, I decided to use the free time to work on the appearance of my blog. I added some pictures, successfully, except for one. In a meditation my Qigong instructor gave to me, the white tiger was the symbol for the lungs. I wanted to put a picture of one on my blog and I did. However, even though I was able to edit the other pictures I put there - making them larger - I cannot make the picture of the white tiger bigger! It worries me. Makes me think my lungs are still small - I started to say weak and small, but the tiger is not weak. I picked one of a strong, running, Thunder Tiger. So he is strong, but I cannot enlarge the picture. Naturally, I think it is a metaphor for me and my lungs. I'm always looking for symbols and signs. My little dog has not been feeling well, so I need to go down and spend time with her. Took her to the vet yesterday and all was well, but still have neglected her this morning. That translates into I am leaving behind my attempts to enlarge the tiger picture for now. I will go down and do some Qigong exercises and perhaps later tonight or tomorrow, he will "magically" enlarge.

Dreams

I had a dream last night, and a similar one night before last, that I believe are somehow symbolic of my healing. The night before last dream: I lived in a house with my parents and only my younger brother. My older brother did not appear in the dream. I seemed to be of college age or perhaps older, but my brother was still a child. Maybe eight years old. One day my younger brother and I came to the house and it was empty. All the furniture - everything - was gone. Our parents had moved without telling us where they had gone. We had been abandoned. (I do feel as if my parents abandoned my younger brother and myself - maybe my older brother, too, but we were somewhat removed from him emotionally. But it, of course, was not this literal and is not where I am basing my feelings of healing.) Back to the dream... First, if I remember correctly, I was afraid because they had left us, but then angry - but only because it meant I would have to get a job to support myself and my little brother. But then I was simply resigned to do it and that's were the dream ended. And that is where I feel the healing is: I was willing to do whatever I had to do to take care of myself and my little brother (who may represent my inner child, or he may, in fact, represent himself as I did take care of him when he was little.) At any rate, I was willing to "do the work" and that's what I am doing now with my Qigong and the other things I'm working on to heal myself.

Last night's dream was similar. Again my older brother was absent from the dream. My younger brother and I were with my parents in Florida - on vacation I suppose - and I was very excited about going swimming in the Gulf. (I am excited in this present life that I can go swimming as soon as the pool water warms to a tolerable temperature.) Back to the dream. Again, my parents left us there. For some reason, I didn't care and simply wanted to go swimming. I went to my suitcase to get a bathing suit and discovered that my mother had sent all of my suits, except for one top, to the dry cleaners. I was determined to go swimming and, with my little brother's help, rummaged through the suitcase until we found something suitable enough to wear as a bottom to swim in. He and I went to the water and I dove right in and swam hard out into the Gulf. I stopped only when some boys began to flirt with me - I was my present age but they thought I looked good - but my younger brother was still that eight year old child. I realized he was not in the water with me and I frantically began to look for him. He was on an upper deck of some kind of pier, reading a newspaper. He was still a child, but his legs were crossed, and he was holding and reading the paper in an adult manner. There was a famous person in the dream who was interested in me, but she is a she and therefore, I was not interested in her romantically, but it was nice to have her friendship. I'm not sure how she fits into the dream - I may as well say it was Samantha Ronson (I believe that's how her name is spelled) - the DJ who used to be friends (?) with Lindsay Lohan. Both are very young and Samantha is openly gay. Again, I'm not sure why I dreamed about her. No hidden agenda on my part - I don't think, anyway, as I love men.

Anyway, that dream, too, meant healing to me because despite the lack of proper swimwear and despite the fact that my parents abandoned me in the dream and my mother took away my ability to swim by removing all my swimwear, I found what I needed to swim in and I swam. Strongly, too!

I believe these are symbols of my healing because I have been following the reality show, Ruby, which is chronicling Ruby's weight loss. At one point, she weighed over 700 pounds, but is now at around 350. A remarkable feat indeed, but she is stuck at that point and cannot lose more weight. She also cannot remember the first 13 years of her life. Her therapists, etc., tell her than when she remembers those years, they may hold the key to not only the tremendous weight gain, but also be the path to allow her to continue on her journey and get to a healthy weight.

I do think my dreams are telling me that I am healing myself. Despite having been "left" as a child (my parents were physically there, but not emotionally) I am coming out of my shell and doing what I have to do to get well.

Today is Mother's Day. For the last 25 plus years of her life, my mother and I had a good relationship - she lived to the age of 87 and she was there for me - emotionally, financially - whatever I needed. She stopped drinking those 25 years ago. My father was not an obvious alcoholic, but he did drink too much. I do know he loved me, but I always felt he favored my brothers over me. At any rate, (that's a phrase I use too much) he was reserved in general, not much of a hugger - very much the strong, silent type. Probably intimidating to a child.

I believe I will see my daughter, son-in-law, and my adorable granddaughter today. That will be great, but if, for some reason I don't get to see them, that will be OK. After all, it is my daughter's day, too. She is a brilliant and wonderful mother and I know her daughter has much planned for her.

If I don't get to see them, I will be sad, but that won't stop the healing. I AM HEALING!!!! And I am so proud of myself!!!!

An apple a day

I have been doing research on the internet regarding foods that are good for lung health. Apples were high on the list and just happen to be part of my new diet. Other good foods that I will be purchasing are carrots, broccoli, kale, sweet red peppers, and apricots. I will start with the carrots, adding them to my apple salad, and probably adding the apricots, too. Somehow I will work in the broccoli. I think I should eat as many raw foods as I can and plain, raw broccoli is not my favorite. But neither is supplemental oxygen. I have been having some blood work done recently due to a clotting test that came back "wrong," so I will hold off on kale until I am assured Vitamin K won't be an issue for me. Kale is full of it and "K" is a blood thinner. I'm not even sure I've ever eaten a sweet red pepper as I tend to avoid all peppers, but I may give it a try.

Today I went to my Qigong class and it was good. I was a little anxious, though. Last time I was fine - felt comfortable for the entire hour. But today I was not as into it. Perhaps because I have been working hard here at my house and I am probably a little worn out from my own exercising. On Wednesday night, I was afraid I had hurt myself with all my breathing work. I was pulling in air and pushing it out again very hard and thought I may have done it for too long. But no, I hadn't. I'm not sure I can hurt myself breathing, but I am the type of person who would think of such a thing.

Yesterday I had a great exercise day. I even decided to run around the house. I ran for one minute. Not a long time, but I haven't run in years. It felt good. And I did all my other exercises that I may list some day if I ever think anyone is reading this. It's really for me, although if someone else could benefit from my experiences, I am happy to share. Hence this blog.

I realized the other day how many ways in which my life has changed since I lost my job in November of 09. Not only am I no longer getting up at a regular time, getting dressed, driving to work, walking from the car to the office, around the office during the day and down the hall to the restroom when needed, I am not talking to anyone. Besides the day to day chatting with coworkers, a big part of my job was talking with potential employees on the phone. I worked as a recruiter. Now I live in virtual silence. Sometimes I talk to my dog and more often I talk out loud to myself, but there is no regularity to it. I'm not sure what to do about that. I am not a phone chatter and with texting being so popular these days, the few people I do know don't talk much on the phone either.

Well, I will continue to BREATHE. And breathe well. I really do want to heal myself. I read one article on the internet that stated new research is showing that COPD or emphysema is curable. That is the opposite of what the medical community has always said, but this new research, on mice of course, is promising. And it is centering on Vitamin A. The only problem with Vitamin A is, it's one of those vitamins that one can "overdose" on. Too much of it has unpleasant side effects. I will just have to do more research on what is the proper amount and see if I can add to that a little bit. To anyone who might read this, I will record the results.

I am a fan of the old television show, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and have recently been watching reruns. Tonight was the final episode of the series. At one point Buffy says, "The hardest part of Life is Living." Too true, too true. But it's definitely worth it.

Today is today

Oh well. Not everyday has to be fantastic. Today hasn't been. I woke up late, then stayed in bed not wanting to get up. Probably a mistake, but I felt tired. That continued throughout the morning. My heart was just pounding, pounding. It does that sometimes and I'm not sure why. I used my little oximeter and my heart rate was high and the oxygen level wasn't 98 which I know is what I want all the time.

I am an "instant gratification" person. In some ways, that's not easy to admit. In other ways, I've always known it but have pushed it aside. This time, though, I need to really think about it and understand that it took 60 years to get my body into the "bad" shape it's in, so it will take more than two weeks to undo all it has endured. And that's a lot and, again, a blog for another day.

I did feel better by late morning and walked with my dog to the mailbox, then took her outside and groomed her for as long as she would tolerate it. The rest of this afternoon I have spent on the computer looking at resources, books, cds, etc., that will help my in my healing journey. I looked at many things on many sites and did buy a CD or two and a DVD that was recommended to me by my Qigong instructor.

It's only 4:30 p.m. and I still have plenty of time left in the day to exercise more. I am a little sore from all the great things I did yesterday - and I am proud of them - but the aches and pains are depressing me I think. Something is. Perhaps it is only as I said before - I want my oxygen level to be superior and it just isn't there yet. I must learn patience. I can learn patience. I will learn patience. I am learning patience.

One step at a time, one day at a time. And a gorgeous day it is today. Sunny, warm but not too hot, and moderate air quality, which is appreciated.

I am eating my apple, raisin, walnut, and newly added almonds, salad with poppy seed dressing for dinner. I had tuna for lunch. I believe I am eating better. Yes, I am eating better.

The historic Nashville flood's impact on my journey

Over the past weekend, Metropolitan Nashville and its surrounding counties, experienced a flood of mammoth proportions. It started raining during the early morning hours of Saturday, May 1, and did not stop until sometime Sunday night. During that time more than 13 inches of rainfall was the official count, although in some places 15 or more inches were reported. Many people have lost their homes and all their possessions. I was fortunate. My fenced in patio flooded to about 5 inches of standing water and threatened to come into my kitchen. Fortunately, the water receded on Saturday night and did not rise as high on Sunday. I was definitely one of the lucky ones.

What this has to do with my journey to heal concerns the anxiety I felt during these two days. I live alone and, having no one to discuss the situation with, let frightening thoughts come into my head. A lot of "what if" thinking - something I have worked to eliminate from my mind. Still, they came. "What if the power goes off?" "What if I have to evacuate?" "What if I simply want to go to a neighbor's house or a relative's for companionship or safety?" "What if I want, or need, to go to a hotel?" And why all this wonder about leaving my little house????? The machine that makes the oxygen. (I still can't remember its proper name.) I have no portable unit. I have an emergency oxygen tank (which, sitting here in the room with me is a bit of a fright in itself as it's highly flammable). However, that tank is also rather large and is only good for five hours.

What to do... What to do... Try not to worry and understand that I could get through one night without supplemental oxygen if necessary. After all, I've been doing it for who knows how long before I had my doctor appointment in mid April.

That eased my worries, but more importantly, it increased my desire to be free of the machine and the tank altogether by healing my own body and producing the oxygen my body needs all by myself. And I am succeeding.

Today I did two hours of Qigong work, meditation, and breathing exercises. I bought an "oximeter," which registers one's heart rate and oxygen level. Today mine was the highest yet. I reached the number 98 during my exercise period. My resting rate, which at 89 in the doctor's office was the reason for the supplemental oxygen, stayed at a fairly steady 94. Occasionally it would dip down and occasionally it would rise higher. A reading of 95 to 100 is "normal." It is my goal to reach and remain at a steady 98 (or higher...) by my next visit to my doctor, which will be in mid July.

I have had pretend conversations with my doctor in which she is surprised at my high and healthy oxygen level. She will think it is the supplemental oxygen and I will tell her, "I'm sure that helped, but I have been working to heal myself." Then I outline the things I'm doing and I either begin or end with a statement that popped into my head at some point during the Weekend Of The Great Flood: "I had two choices: Give up or get well." I chose the latter.

Today is today and today I am well.