Dreams

I had a dream last night, and a similar one night before last, that I believe are somehow symbolic of my healing. The night before last dream: I lived in a house with my parents and only my younger brother. My older brother did not appear in the dream. I seemed to be of college age or perhaps older, but my brother was still a child. Maybe eight years old. One day my younger brother and I came to the house and it was empty. All the furniture - everything - was gone. Our parents had moved without telling us where they had gone. We had been abandoned. (I do feel as if my parents abandoned my younger brother and myself - maybe my older brother, too, but we were somewhat removed from him emotionally. But it, of course, was not this literal and is not where I am basing my feelings of healing.) Back to the dream... First, if I remember correctly, I was afraid because they had left us, but then angry - but only because it meant I would have to get a job to support myself and my little brother. But then I was simply resigned to do it and that's were the dream ended. And that is where I feel the healing is: I was willing to do whatever I had to do to take care of myself and my little brother (who may represent my inner child, or he may, in fact, represent himself as I did take care of him when he was little.) At any rate, I was willing to "do the work" and that's what I am doing now with my Qigong and the other things I'm working on to heal myself.

Last night's dream was similar. Again my older brother was absent from the dream. My younger brother and I were with my parents in Florida - on vacation I suppose - and I was very excited about going swimming in the Gulf. (I am excited in this present life that I can go swimming as soon as the pool water warms to a tolerable temperature.) Back to the dream. Again, my parents left us there. For some reason, I didn't care and simply wanted to go swimming. I went to my suitcase to get a bathing suit and discovered that my mother had sent all of my suits, except for one top, to the dry cleaners. I was determined to go swimming and, with my little brother's help, rummaged through the suitcase until we found something suitable enough to wear as a bottom to swim in. He and I went to the water and I dove right in and swam hard out into the Gulf. I stopped only when some boys began to flirt with me - I was my present age but they thought I looked good - but my younger brother was still that eight year old child. I realized he was not in the water with me and I frantically began to look for him. He was on an upper deck of some kind of pier, reading a newspaper. He was still a child, but his legs were crossed, and he was holding and reading the paper in an adult manner. There was a famous person in the dream who was interested in me, but she is a she and therefore, I was not interested in her romantically, but it was nice to have her friendship. I'm not sure how she fits into the dream - I may as well say it was Samantha Ronson (I believe that's how her name is spelled) - the DJ who used to be friends (?) with Lindsay Lohan. Both are very young and Samantha is openly gay. Again, I'm not sure why I dreamed about her. No hidden agenda on my part - I don't think, anyway, as I love men.

Anyway, that dream, too, meant healing to me because despite the lack of proper swimwear and despite the fact that my parents abandoned me in the dream and my mother took away my ability to swim by removing all my swimwear, I found what I needed to swim in and I swam. Strongly, too!

I believe these are symbols of my healing because I have been following the reality show, Ruby, which is chronicling Ruby's weight loss. At one point, she weighed over 700 pounds, but is now at around 350. A remarkable feat indeed, but she is stuck at that point and cannot lose more weight. She also cannot remember the first 13 years of her life. Her therapists, etc., tell her than when she remembers those years, they may hold the key to not only the tremendous weight gain, but also be the path to allow her to continue on her journey and get to a healthy weight.

I do think my dreams are telling me that I am healing myself. Despite having been "left" as a child (my parents were physically there, but not emotionally) I am coming out of my shell and doing what I have to do to get well.

Today is Mother's Day. For the last 25 plus years of her life, my mother and I had a good relationship - she lived to the age of 87 and she was there for me - emotionally, financially - whatever I needed. She stopped drinking those 25 years ago. My father was not an obvious alcoholic, but he did drink too much. I do know he loved me, but I always felt he favored my brothers over me. At any rate, (that's a phrase I use too much) he was reserved in general, not much of a hugger - very much the strong, silent type. Probably intimidating to a child.

I believe I will see my daughter, son-in-law, and my adorable granddaughter today. That will be great, but if, for some reason I don't get to see them, that will be OK. After all, it is my daughter's day, too. She is a brilliant and wonderful mother and I know her daughter has much planned for her.

If I don't get to see them, I will be sad, but that won't stop the healing. I AM HEALING!!!! And I am so proud of myself!!!!